Disheveled Story Of Everything

Month: September, 2015

An Open Letter to My Future Daughter

Dear Princess,

Before you were born, I never knew I could love someone more than myself.

I recall your first day of school. When you waved at me before you step in a foreign building on your own for the first time. I could see your face’s forceful beaming because I know you wanted me to be by your side always. Trust me my child, that is what I desire too, to always have you guarded. However, deep inside my heart I knew that one day you will have your own wings to spread.

My daughter, you are the most precious possession, therefore, forgive me if at times I annoy you with my nags and scolds. For the sole reason to protect you, sometimes I take measures that would hurt your feelings for awhile. Believe me and trust me that I never intend to hurt you because the last thing I want is to have you hate me. I want you to know that when your heart is broken, my heart breaks too. When you slam the door after an argument and cry alone at night, I too am crying in between my prayers for you to let me in. Day after days as we get busier, I am afraid that I would not have the chance to tell you I am truly sorry for the times that I cannot be there for you.

Princess, let me share you with that the greatest feeling in this world is to love and to be loved. Don’t rush into it because you have a whole lifetime to discover. There would be boys chasing after you because let’s face it, you are gorgeous. Don’t get me wrong when i reject certain guys who enters your life. I know how much you’re worth and you deserve only the best to spend the rest of your lives with. Don’t search for love because love will find you. Be comfortable in your own skin and love yourself because only then can you love others. There would be people along the way who would attempt to bring you down, brush them away and always hold your crown because you are the daughter of the most high, the Lord Jesus Christ.

This world that you are born into, is a cruel one. A ruthless world of darkness with very little sparks of light and hope that you will seldom encounter. Keep this in mind when you go through trials of any kind, that the light at the end of the tunnel is worth it.  Many times you will feel that it is bleak out there, and to break the bad news, I will not be able to hold your hand through it all. When your wings are strong enough to carry you, it would be my turn to wave at you as I disappear into the busyness of your life. I want you to know that when that moment comes, I would be so proud to witness you grow into a fine young lady, who believes the impossible and holds beauty in what she does.

Hold this close to your heart, that I have loved you unconditionally. Despite our differences, I would always choose to put you before myself. When you feel like the whole world against you, there will always be a woman that will always choose to be on your side. Never settle for less because you are worth so much more. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes because those failures will teach the most valuable lessons. Don’t be afraid to get hurt because to ache is a part of being alive. Most importantly, don’t be afraid to be you because that is how I love you and that is how the world will love you.

With Love.


Protected: I Am Not Fine

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I promised myself I would never fall in love with you.

But It’s 4am, and we are laughing way too hard,

And I felt happy for the first time in a long time,

And I knew I was screwed.


Treasure ; to regard or treat as precious; cherish or

An action people often take for granted, until the moment passes and then regrets take over.

I had a family once. A whole family. The ones that contain a set of loving parents and supportive siblings.

I never once thought that one fine day, my mom would slam a set of divorce letters on the table for me to read.

I had a novel love story. Nicholas Sparks cannot even compare.

[ Life decided to declare that no story should end perfect]

I had a childhood best friend whom I thought would stay forever,

[but adulthood brought us apart]

I was my daddy’s little princess who could have anything at a flip of a hand.

[Now, he calls me a stranger]

Since then,

I treasure every moment with my mom or dad.

No matter how brief or how awkward it will be, that meeting might be the last time before the next one in a few months.

I can still vividly recall that night when I wished time stood still. When everything was more than perfect. All the things I love in one view. The city lights, The Fullerton, flowers in my hands and your eyes fixated to mine. There was jazz too. I was so nervous. Then, you held my hand like I am the most fragile being. When I thought it couldn’t get any more perfect, you leaned in and sealed the night with a kiss.

I will treasure that kiss in the deepest and safest part of my heart.

I will treasure the hand-written letters.

I will treasure the late night calls.

I will treasure every smile you have given to me.

My childhood was White Chicks. Not literally, I am referring to the movie. My best friend and I watch it on every occasion. During a rainy day, after a long day, after a rough break-up, after shopping and whenever else we could. We memorized every.single.line. from that movie.

Adulthood takes over. The calls get lesser, the meet-ups get less frequent and before we know it, we are countries apart.

I will never forget the rainy day instant noodles and I will always treasure the pirated White Chicks VCD.

I am proud to be a daddy’s little girl. I long for butterfly kisses and presents with ribbons. After the separation, my dad moved out. Out of the house and out of my life. Loving words eventually turned to curses. Well wishes turned into suspicions. What was then warm and caring, turned cold.

I wish I had treasured you when you pop your head in my room to check how I were.

I wish I had treasured the nags that showed you cared.

I wish I had treasured sleeping by your side to ease your insomnia.

I wish I had treasured your bedtime stories.

I wish I had treasured every hug in the morning.

Every moment with you before I knew I would lose you the day after.

Nothing in this world lasts forever. I know that now.

Obsessions, obsessions

I can’t live without:

29. The smell of books. Or magazines. I am weird that way.

28. Honey Lemon. Detoxify my life.

27. Dota. Dota. Dota.

26. Dressing up pretty on impulse. Walk around the mall of the highest class feeling like a queen for a day.

25. Deep red lipsticks. They carry an energy that spike my confidence.

24. PIZZA. Who the hell can live without pizza?

23. Medicated oils. Cramps would end me.

22. Tofu. Any kind of tofu is my comfort food.

21. High heels. I am not the tallest person on earth, heels are a necessity.

20. Weddings. I am 20 and I have the song of my march-in in my head. Down to every other details.

19. Planners. Planning every single step I make since 2008.

18. Birthdays. The only day I am entitled to in the entire year.

17. Elbows. It is a really weird fetish since I was 2. Stop judging, you guys.

16. Hair ties. To hold dem hair in place, anywhere, anytime.

15. Daisies.

14. Rings. Although I don’t always wear one.

13. Singing. In the shower. Beg your pardon’ I don’t sing in the shower, I perform.

12. Deep Royal Purple.


This gave me multiple orgasms. Period.

11. Surprise kisses and hugs.

10. Hand-written letters. Sincere, heart-felt, pen-written ones.




8. Jasmine Tea. No other tea. Jasmine.

7. Calvin Klein: Summer. As intoxicating as drugs.

6. Floral perfumes that my mom and I used to share.

5. City lights at the darkest hour. Overlooking The Fullerton Hotel.

4. Jazz and Blues. Even oldies. I love them all.

3. My iPod.

2. Reading a book. The only place I can have a perfect relationship with Noah Calhoun.

1. You.

This post is in sync to my birthday, so, take the hint guys.

I write because…

I write because there is serenity in my own thoughts. It gets too noisy in the midst of the dreaded Monday traffic, the never-ending datelines and the crowds on the train.

I remember one night, after a long endless day at work, I look forward to dump myself on the bed until the next day. However, shit was slapped at me when my depressed, angry mother decided that it was a great time to throw her tantrums. No, there wasn’t any apparent reason why she did it, and that is the worse part. Too often things disrupt the peace of mind when we deserve that peace. Trust me, it has been a long time since I can hear my own voice in my own house.

I write because I can’t be heard.

There are some words in me that would never get out . Due to various reasons, some opinions are better left unsaid. I still keep a hand-written diary by the bedside. Most of it are daily rantings in there, but as much as possible, I would try to do my daily devotions to keep myself sane. Don’t get me wrong, it is not like I have no one to pour it out to, others too have their own noises to shut off, let alone listen to your problems. Writing is the only portal that lets me say the unsaid.

For once I can get get lost in my own thoughts and the complexity of my own mind.

For a short while, I could escape the reality and bask in the fantasy of my own heart.

I can be the priority of this world that I live in, the paper.

Writing is nothing more than a guided dream

Jorge Luis Borges